” will i be never lonelier than i m or will i ever be able to smile like i use to”

I m vulnerable again , m shaking, my hands are shivering and voice is grim full of pain and anxiety. I saw u again, though intentionally , tears drop making thr way down the cheek playing around my nose like m a mockery of past that yet persists but only in my mind and no where else.Ohh That smiling face that i always wished to see, why that hurted me the most , Am i not happy coz u are happy , or as if it has nothing to do with ur or mine happiness or does it matters at ol. fingers are struggling with key pads , eyes are searching for rgt alphabets , every thing seems blurred to me. DO i miss u ..It seems i miss the person whom i love the most , u are nothing more than a fable to me , a story told before but yet to be understood.

Amazing it is , that people meet , unite , they sit they talk , they make assertions while on the walk , the hug , they cuddle, they are friends and they are lovers , and then they turn up into people completely unknown to each other , a complete stranger, like nothing ever meant and nothing ever can mean. we lay our head in the stormy night , above us is walking and talking fan and below my head is an old pillow old enuf that I can say , it loves me more than anyone else. for its salty taste tells all the fairy tales , that how many wet nights it has experienced so far.To me it seems now that every thing in universe , which we think is meaning ful is actually meaning less. We human beings have a habit to play with our minds and our insights as if we feel like something called intution moves us from pole to pole. Ironic for what seems to be meaning ful is utterly absurd in its philosophy for every thing that exists and persists and claims to be perpetual like forever and ever is doomed by the moment and by the notion .I fail to understand why now m feeling a bit calmer , does that means few alphabets down the tab have eaten away my anxiety, my longing for you , was this the purpose of my writing or it meant some thing much more than that , Was i here to show to the world  that look hw distressed I m with her happiness when at the same time deep inside me I knw, no one loves ur happiness more than me .M a complete mess at times, I knw , for the catastrophic destruction of my mind has eaten away my capability to be driven more by rationality and less by intution, as it seems reasonable nw to forgive but nt forget. Off corse it does matters to me, and it will always be a matter of great contemplation to me that , hw a perniciously perplexed idea of forgiving but not forgetting or forgetting but nt forgiving or forgetting and forgiving can exist , for Love knows no qualms , love is free from any prejudice and expectation. I know every other thing except me is absurd and this hw every thing other than me is meaningful. That is hw i see it , coz if i will see it from a different lens, does it makes any sense , or will the world be a changed place ?? will the anxiety come to an end , will the months of non stopped cries will be erased, will the long hours of restless wars with self will end , will i be never lonelier than i m or will i ever be able to smile like i use to smile when u use to wear my shirts…..The Answers are more frightening than the questions…

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