“Losing it all”

She: I think we should stop talking

Me: I knew this was coming…..

She: If you know everything, then why at the very first stance you did it? Anyways, who am i to say anything to you??

Me:Everything…..

And this is how i lost another friend of mine.Does it hurts? Ofcourse. DOes it pains?? Ofcours yes.But then as once Sen argued,  that we have layers of heart if one breaks the other one covers it up. Making friends is not my habit, but losing one seems to be.I don’t count assets as friends.Some does, but that’s their problem.I don’t make too many friends , some does, that’s their problem.I lose too many friends , some do not and that’s entirely my problem.I can count them all on my fingers-I celebrate it-and slowly and steadily I am amputating one by one all of my fingers-I pity that.My contact list is shorter than an A4 size paper.Some envy it.To me it’s a luxury-perhaps I don’t even bother about storing numbers.

We are limited. Our horizon is regulated or perhaps amputated.Sometimes we move upside down, just to have another way , another angle and another measure to visualize this world.I tried it, but still didn’t find any way to secure a friends due presence.I think I’m dumb.I read Simon.He argued that our rationality is bounded.I tried rationality and yet failed to find any way to secure my friends.I was bound to fail.May be my friends were extra-rational organisms.I read Follet, she said , conflict occurs when two different desires intersect each other.I tried to dominate, but she argued, do not..I then tried to compromise ..and she argued that compromises exacerbate desires..And then she asked for integration…And I was dumb enough to integrate every other desire except mine and yet, I failed.Mc gregor once said, a good manager steers away right in the middle of conflict without exacerbating the conflict but by resolving it.I tried to steer but they sank my boat by arguing , Dont fucking manipulate ..

Sometimes i think, am I the only one losing it all.I see human as an accumulation of all that they are not.We are a conglomeration of relations , assets so on and so forth.We accumulate.And in this way I find myself weird.I think I am less human.Other then fundamentals, i have nothing else to rejoice. I never made friends with ideals.Once, before leaving, a friend called me an “Idealist”.I was perturbed.Love is fundamental, how can you call a person,  who beholds love and compassion above rest of the world, an idealist??? I was bemused. I think I am dumb.Couldn’t get her.I pity my understanding.I think i talk a lot.But then another friend said,that “you are very patient.You give me space and time.you listen to me.”I am abnormal.And as an abnormal person i feel the heat of opinions.Sometimes i don’t care but on the other occasions, I use to delete my contact list and profiles.I have no physical friends.Probably few.Sometimes I think I m losing it all like my mind and on the other occasions I am full of anxiety.Not of losing people–its a routine ofcourse-but of amputating my fingers.Do you understand ??

Why do we lose people? Or perhaps why do we accumulate them in the first place. In “The Social Contract”,Rousseau argued that , “man is a social animal”.Solitude is a luxury but social interaction–a necessity. Jainism argues that, the moment we are born our meter starts to run.The Karmic meter.”Karma is the bane of soul”–Jainism.Relations I think are Karmic in nature.”We are our choices”, argued Satre. A bad choice and we are done. That’s what happened with me……May be or perhaps i have no right to put people into categories of good and bad or right and wrong.If on a generalized plane I could see, i think the most fitting thing for them would be– is to leave me.Afterall Affording stupidity is un-economic and unhygienic.No???I don’t know about others , but I lose people, coz I care for them and love them.This is an abnormal activity.And I am particularly good in all of my bad habits.I don’t wish to prune myself of it.

Will it ever stop?? How long can i afford?? How many left? Who is well deserved? Should I go into Social seclusion? Noooooooo..Never..Okey…can I think of deleting my contact list and social media profile ..like..Once again!!!!!!!!

The anxiety of loosing it all, of being alone at the end.Its like heaven.A heaven without people to interact, to listen, to cheer, to share and so on….You loose people and you realize nothing is more prized then a shared happiness and a sorrow being discussed.You loose people and realize how sane this world is and how insane the things in your room are.You loose people and realize..Love hurts..You loose people and realize..all hurts are momentary but to some wounds ..this hope that their is no transmigration of soul gives a sigh of relief…Alas, with the last breath, their will be an end to all of it…

 

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