I know This Feeling!

she was standing, on the opposite platform. There was a distance of few meters between us. I could see her. The metro entered from the other side. It took over the distance between us.I could see her waving a bye, before metro engulfed her. And I was fucked. My heart crumbled. She was inside the metro. I cud see her no more. And in a moment she disappeared like the morning fog! I knew this feeling of desolation.It was not strange to me!

It was not for the first time I felt it. A sense of parting is quite present in my subconscious mind. I know, how much it pains when a thread breaks! SHe is here to stay. And yet i felt it! Perhaps this is what we call love! I am not amazed but numb. Love makes me numb. My heart pounced and I was full of deep anxiety. I wanted to deboard metro at some next metro station. I was almost in tears! And I was thinking, but she is here to stay!

In the hindsight, I cud feel the separation. I am aware of longings and love. Memories haunted me for years. She made me forget every mental torture. May be it’s her sight I don”t wanna lose. As she sits next to me, all my senses roam like a drunkard! All that I cud sense is she. All that I feel is she. All that I wish I cud ever have is she. I am not possessive. I am passionate for her, like a spectator is for the game. The only difference is that, I am there for her in her lows as well. Perhaps I have engendered her into my mind like a nerve cell. And I cud not sense beyond her! Perhaps, I could not dream her disappearance ! I know this feeling!

Emotions are so integral to human. Perhaps makes us human.Amazing that sometimes , how short do we fell of words and couldn’t express in exact terms , what we feel! Love and belongingness was cited as a need by Maslow. That there are some emotions and they almost make us feel so connected ,  truly amazing! Notwithstanding the past or future, love assures us of its magnificence . Love is a medium within medium. All I knw, if thr is some thing which lies within my chest, where all my anxiety rest, is the true source of love, for it is in her presence that I could find some solace at that place. And when I saw her disappearing behind metal wheels, I felt anxiety at the same place where I could felt solace in her presence. I know this feeling and it was never strange to me , yet She took with her, all my solace!



“Äre You Here To Stay”

I saw you.I never saw anything similar to you.I saw you from almost one hundred yards and yet I cudn’t believe it’s you.I shivered in excitement.I was moved by my longings.I foresaw two parallel universes submerging into one.I took long strides.It was chaotic their.I cudn’t hear anything except you.You were on your phone.I saw your face first.Nah, it was hairs.Like bristles of brush, they were soaked in golden paint as if falling sunbeams were reflecting a golden state of mind.Your lips were moving like leafs of a sesame tree,striking different chords at the same time.I wanted to see you before this dream could break.I longed for this evening for like years and when it was right there standing infront of me, I just dont wanted to move, to take a step further, for I was afraid of loosing this glimpse of hope again.Sometimes the best thing is life is to observe, without being a part of it.No?I saw your feet next, but before that my eyes slipped through your top onto the off greyish denim of yours.I loved the color.Its kinda soothing to my eyes,but the top was a bit crafty and classic with imprints of “pacchekari”.I loved the lines and the games they were playing on your top.All of you were not visible at one glance.I saw you in bits and pieces and the whole as I joined them all came out to be greater then the parts.I was still on the right side of the road and you were on the left.I am always confused with your right and my left.So to say that you were standing on the oppoiste side of the road, it wont be less if I argue I travelled many lightyears just to reach upto you as if you were the supernova my eyes were desperately waiting for.In moments i was standing on the devider. I travelled with a speed of light.And i was in no hurry to reach upto you.The mind argued, but the heart-already was standing next to you.There were buses, there were cars, there were motorcycles and there were other vehicles as well.You were like a shadow appearing every now and then, like it was a cloudy day.But the winds were calm and i had no idea what my feet longed.I saw you once and then twice, peeking through the small distances inbetween moving lights.I wanted to hold your hand before I stumble.And I could wait no more.I took courage and give my hand to the desperately forward moving superman, sitting in a car…Next moment I was standing right infront of you.I looked at your face and your hand.And i saw your lips and ears.I saw you teeth.It was a flash.I sneaked at the edges of your lips, they contracted a bit to let open a shimmering light into my dark world.The ebbs were gone from the sight, i was captivated by the might, of the love, belonging and happiness that just hit me like photons hit the electrode surface.May be I saw your eyes first or perhaps it was whole of you-conjured infront of me like a shooting star.You conjured a magical universe infront of me.I talked to you.We started to move.In the same direction we headed to spend an eve.I watched your denim only to find it flawlessly falling on your golden sandals with black strips attached to it.I could hear the sound of my moving heart.As we moved and crossed impediments over impediments I felt numb and ecstatic, ironic but true.The golden shades of brush flowing in the wind and under the shade of which I could experience the warmth of love and coolness of morning breeze.Before you , my emptyness had no meaning, you filled it with your presence and made it meaningful.Like a winter night your sight fell upon me in a moment and i could do nothing but to get dipped in it, like I am the tall oak covered from tip to toe in snow and feeling the might of night falling upon me, not bit by bit, but as if a whole blanket was thrown upon me.I was in fear before I met you, but I couldn’t distinguish it the moment I saw you.I saw your sharp nose, the edges of whom were peiercing a hole into my heart and the sharp chin, curvey at the two edges.And i saw a red mark right in the middle of it where it dips in a bit to raise your lips towards me.And I saw it all while moving and while you and I were stand still.So long in fear, I couldn’t understand whats going on.As if like a caged bird i forgot how to fly and laugh when i could see liberty bowing at my feet.I longed for you and here I am trying to figure out , are you for real or again i conjured you out of my deepest desires.Are you here to stay ?? I asked again and again …

“रहता हूँ पास तेरे “

रहता हूँ तेरे पास कहीं
मैं छुप कर रातों में
कभी ढूंढ़ तो मुझको जानेजां
बिस्तर की उलझी सिलवट में
कभी पलट के देख सही
तकिये के गिलाफो को |
बेहोश न हो , तू होश में रह
मैं दूर नहीं हूँ पास तेरे
आता हु छुप के कमरें में
रोशनदान के पीछे से
फिर छू लेता हुँ गालोँ को
एक मस्त हवा के झोके से
रोशन करता हुँ रातों को
तेरे कमरों की दीवारो को
मैं हूँ चाँद का एक टुकड़ा
आता हुँ तेरे ख्वाबों में |
मुझे खुश कर देती है अंगड़ाई तेरी
मैं हुँ आशिक़ तेरे ख्यालों का ,
मुझे चोर ना समझना जानेजां
चप्पल ना दिखाना गुस्से से
मैं छुप जाऊंगा तेरी पलको मेँ
बेसुध नींद की तरह
फिर ढुंढोगी तो आऊंगा ना
हाथ कभी मेँ गुलहर के फूल की तरह
रातों को जागोगी , बेचैनी से भागोगी
बिस्तर बीमार होगा , उलझ के जंजाल होगा
आँखें नाखुश होंगी , लैब पे यह शिकायत होगी
उलझन मेँ दिल होगा , मन मेँ तलब सी होगी
मनाने को कोई ना होगा
तुम गम से बेसुध होगी
फिर आँख ज्यों तुम्हारी झपकेंगी
मैं मिलजाउंगा हौले से , तुमको उस अंधियारे मेँ
तुम सोचोगी मैं दूर गया
तुम्हे याद नहीं तुम भूल गई
मैं रहता हुँ जानेजां पास तेरे
छुप के रातों मेँ ||

” Autumn is the second spring when every leaf becomes flower (Albert Camus)”

And when you laid your head on my shoulder, all of me melted, melted like white winter snow, all of me submerged into all of you. It felt cold , cold like fear of loosing one’s identity , cold like loosing one;s own state , one;s own individuality one;s own ego. I was in fear, fear of loosing you and all of


sudden you swirled your arms around me like an epiphyte.All my fears , All that made me felt cold , All my despairs, disappeared And dissolved into the worm hole of last moment.We are time travelers , traveling in time and space and love is the reason. But some times I wish to forget reason’s , meanings as if without being involved in any sort of contemplation is the real aspiration & goal of me.The Sumo was moving fast on steep

slopes of mountains. Behind us was a 5000 ft deep valley and ahead of us a curvy road full of blind curves.Fear was imminent for a mortal soul, but dipped in love she soaked all my fears , like every thing which generates fear melted away with that snow.She was as fiery as a mountain . And she went into a deep slumber , for the comfort of my arms and support of my shoulder was all that she sought for. The way girls seek love is amazing, they wont tell you , but they love to lie naked in your arms for eternity.They wish you to seek them while they are seeking you too. They wish you to hold them while they are holding you too. They wish you to blow thr mind when they are blowing all ur miseries too. They wish to swirl around you while they wish you too be the centripetal force balancing distance and merger simultaneously. .They wish you to tease them while retaliating in annoyance. Girls are full of action and reaction.They are full of chemical kinetics. Thr’s a spring and autumn simultaneously struggling to find life inside them.All they need you to tell them that ” Autumn is the second spring when every leaf becomes flower (Albert Camus)” …..

” will i be never lonelier than i m or will i ever be able to smile like i use to”

I m vulnerable again , m shaking, my hands are shivering and voice is grim full of pain and anxiety. I saw u again, though intentionally , tears drop making thr way down the cheek playing around my nose like m a mockery of past that yet persists but only in my mind and no where else.Ohh That smiling face that i always wished to see, why that hurted me the most , Am i not happy coz u are happy , or as if it has nothing to do with ur or mine happiness or does it matters at ol. fingers are struggling with key pads , eyes are searching for rgt alphabets , every thing seems blurred to me. DO i miss u ..It seems i miss the person whom i love the most , u are nothing more than a fable to me , a story told before but yet to be understood.

Amazing it is , that people meet , unite , they sit they talk , they make assertions while on the walk , the hug , they cuddle, they are friends and they are lovers , and then they turn up into people completely unknown to each other , a complete stranger, like nothing ever meant and nothing ever can mean. we lay our head in the stormy night , above us is walking and talking fan and below my head is an old pillow old enuf that I can say , it loves me more than anyone else. for its salty taste tells all the fairy tales , that how many wet nights it has experienced so far.To me it seems now that every thing in universe , which we think is meaning ful is actually meaning less. We human beings have a habit to play with our minds and our insights as if we feel like something called intution moves us from pole to pole. Ironic for what seems to be meaning ful is utterly absurd in its philosophy for every thing that exists and persists and claims to be perpetual like forever and ever is doomed by the moment and by the notion .I fail to understand why now m feeling a bit calmer , does that means few alphabets down the tab have eaten away my anxiety, my longing for you , was this the purpose of my writing or it meant some thing much more than that , Was i here to show to the world  that look hw distressed I m with her happiness when at the same time deep inside me I knw, no one loves ur happiness more than me .M a complete mess at times, I knw , for the catastrophic destruction of my mind has eaten away my capability to be driven more by rationality and less by intution, as it seems reasonable nw to forgive but nt forget. Off corse it does matters to me, and it will always be a matter of great contemplation to me that , hw a perniciously perplexed idea of forgiving but not forgetting or forgetting but nt forgiving or forgetting and forgiving can exist , for Love knows no qualms , love is free from any prejudice and expectation. I know every other thing except me is absurd and this hw every thing other than me is meaningful. That is hw i see it , coz if i will see it from a different lens, does it makes any sense , or will the world be a changed place ?? will the anxiety come to an end , will the months of non stopped cries will be erased, will the long hours of restless wars with self will end , will i be never lonelier than i m or will i ever be able to smile like i use to smile when u use to wear my shirts…..The Answers are more frightening than the questions…