I know This Feeling!

she was standing, on the opposite platform. There was a distance of few meters between us. I could see her. The metro entered from the other side. It took over the distance between us.I could see her waving a bye, before metro engulfed her. And I was fucked. My heart crumbled. She was inside the metro. I cud see her no more. And in a moment she disappeared like the morning fog! I knew this feeling of desolation.It was not strange to me!

It was not for the first time I felt it. A sense of parting is quite present in my subconscious mind. I know, how much it pains when a thread breaks! SHe is here to stay. And yet i felt it! Perhaps this is what we call love! I am not amazed but numb. Love makes me numb. My heart pounced and I was full of deep anxiety. I wanted to deboard metro at some next metro station. I was almost in tears! And I was thinking, but she is here to stay!

In the hindsight, I cud feel the separation. I am aware of longings and love. Memories haunted me for years. She made me forget every mental torture. May be it’s her sight I don”t wanna lose. As she sits next to me, all my senses roam like a drunkard! All that I cud sense is she. All that I feel is she. All that I wish I cud ever have is she. I am not possessive. I am passionate for her, like a spectator is for the game. The only difference is that, I am there for her in her lows as well. Perhaps I have engendered her into my mind like a nerve cell. And I cud not sense beyond her! Perhaps, I could not dream her disappearance ! I know this feeling!

Emotions are so integral to human. Perhaps makes us human.Amazing that sometimes , how short do we fell of words and couldn’t express in exact terms , what we feel! Love and belongingness was cited as a need by Maslow. That there are some emotions and they almost make us feel so connected ,  truly amazing! Notwithstanding the past or future, love assures us of its magnificence . Love is a medium within medium. All I knw, if thr is some thing which lies within my chest, where all my anxiety rest, is the true source of love, for it is in her presence that I could find some solace at that place. And when I saw her disappearing behind metal wheels, I felt anxiety at the same place where I could felt solace in her presence. I know this feeling and it was never strange to me , yet She took with her, all my solace!

 

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“Äre You Here To Stay”

I saw you.I never saw anything similar to you.I saw you from almost one hundred yards and yet I cudn’t believe it’s you.I shivered in excitement.I was moved by my longings.I foresaw two parallel universes submerging into one.I took long strides.It was chaotic their.I cudn’t hear anything except you.You were on your phone.I saw your face first.Nah, it was hairs.Like bristles of brush, they were soaked in golden paint as if falling sunbeams were reflecting a golden state of mind.Your lips were moving like leafs of a sesame tree,striking different chords at the same time.I wanted to see you before this dream could break.I longed for this evening for like years and when it was right there standing infront of me, I just dont wanted to move, to take a step further, for I was afraid of loosing this glimpse of hope again.Sometimes the best thing is life is to observe, without being a part of it.No?I saw your feet next, but before that my eyes slipped through your top onto the off greyish denim of yours.I loved the color.Its kinda soothing to my eyes,but the top was a bit crafty and classic with imprints of “pacchekari”.I loved the lines and the games they were playing on your top.All of you were not visible at one glance.I saw you in bits and pieces and the whole as I joined them all came out to be greater then the parts.I was still on the right side of the road and you were on the left.I am always confused with your right and my left.So to say that you were standing on the oppoiste side of the road, it wont be less if I argue I travelled many lightyears just to reach upto you as if you were the supernova my eyes were desperately waiting for.In moments i was standing on the devider. I travelled with a speed of light.And i was in no hurry to reach upto you.The mind argued, but the heart-already was standing next to you.There were buses, there were cars, there were motorcycles and there were other vehicles as well.You were like a shadow appearing every now and then, like it was a cloudy day.But the winds were calm and i had no idea what my feet longed.I saw you once and then twice, peeking through the small distances inbetween moving lights.I wanted to hold your hand before I stumble.And I could wait no more.I took courage and give my hand to the desperately forward moving superman, sitting in a car…Next moment I was standing right infront of you.I looked at your face and your hand.And i saw your lips and ears.I saw you teeth.It was a flash.I sneaked at the edges of your lips, they contracted a bit to let open a shimmering light into my dark world.The ebbs were gone from the sight, i was captivated by the might, of the love, belonging and happiness that just hit me like photons hit the electrode surface.May be I saw your eyes first or perhaps it was whole of you-conjured infront of me like a shooting star.You conjured a magical universe infront of me.I talked to you.We started to move.In the same direction we headed to spend an eve.I watched your denim only to find it flawlessly falling on your golden sandals with black strips attached to it.I could hear the sound of my moving heart.As we moved and crossed impediments over impediments I felt numb and ecstatic, ironic but true.The golden shades of brush flowing in the wind and under the shade of which I could experience the warmth of love and coolness of morning breeze.Before you , my emptyness had no meaning, you filled it with your presence and made it meaningful.Like a winter night your sight fell upon me in a moment and i could do nothing but to get dipped in it, like I am the tall oak covered from tip to toe in snow and feeling the might of night falling upon me, not bit by bit, but as if a whole blanket was thrown upon me.I was in fear before I met you, but I couldn’t distinguish it the moment I saw you.I saw your sharp nose, the edges of whom were peiercing a hole into my heart and the sharp chin, curvey at the two edges.And i saw a red mark right in the middle of it where it dips in a bit to raise your lips towards me.And I saw it all while moving and while you and I were stand still.So long in fear, I couldn’t understand whats going on.As if like a caged bird i forgot how to fly and laugh when i could see liberty bowing at my feet.I longed for you and here I am trying to figure out , are you for real or again i conjured you out of my deepest desires.Are you here to stay ?? I asked again and again …

And It’s Half DOne Yet

I looked out of the window.It was cold out there, colder then in here , inside the room.Strong ground guzzling sound of trucks was penetrating the feary silence of night.Every nook and corner was infiltrated by the haze.A shallow mist hanging right few feet over the ground.Like all of a sudden, distance between stars and the earth collapsed into few meters.The only visible object was a neem tree.Silent! standing like a branched pillar.Leaves were calm but sad, not sleepy at ol.I looked around.I thought , He will come.My friend Rupesh.He left half drunk.I observed continence. I usually do not.But at home, U cant argue against ur principles.Yes, sometimes i do get carried away.After all we are human’s. Made to err, No? By the way, I registered my self again on Facebook.Though I feel Social media as an important way to express ourselves, yet something in me argues for solitude.I prefer books over People.Often, Dog’s fight at nights act as a reminder, Not All are Asleep…No? During the last six days, the number of dogfights overtook actual number of dogs.Sometimes I hate it.Yes I know, Its an expression of life, But it’s fucking chaotic.It breaks the rhythm of night. Nothing , I feel in this world is more beautiful then the rhythm that night attains.Its smooth and as a friend Calls every time, “Nice”. This calmness looks nice.To seek it in chaos, makes it more valuable.The day to day chaos.Past six days flew like a bird.There was fear before that.A fear not of failure but of an nonviable attempt to success.The barrier was high.And our weak mind often construes meager things as an exaggerated  expression of reality.Fear was natural, for an insight into losing some very attainable point of peak experience fills us with a deep psychological pressure.I turned so many pages, that i forget counting them.Black ink soaked pages.Repeated underlines had a different story.That someone went through them many a times, yet failed to recollect them.No, Not the meaning, but the exact expression.Word by word.For some it’s important that u become machine in process.They force you to go through same things so many times, that you will become a simple cog in the machine.A fitting nut–maybe.Some nights went sleepless, Almost. And some went in fighting with the sleepy hollow.Green carpet on my floor almost got occupied with a heap of useless waste.The A4 size waste.The whole spine went through the tyranny  of constructing a machine out of this meaty loaf called body.I think I m exaggerating it.Often I took it in lighter way.It needs to be, for human has much to achieve and aspire  than to become mere a bull.Doing repetitive tasks ever and ever again.The whole nature of modern system has changed into an exploitative one.Six hours of continuous writing on a wall, and yet the demand remains unsatisfied.As and when I looked down the two floors, to the ground from the balcony adjacent to the rum where i was allotted a no, I saw machines.Knowledge workers , may be.After ol attempt is to make exploitation symbolically attractive, No?I differ with Marx. Strongly differ with him.His ways were radical.Aspirational.His attempt was bold.But his understanding was one of the best thing.The most lucrative thing, for any oppressed.Though i differ with him yet somewhere when it comes to recruitments into civil services, I cannot but confer with him.The whole attempt is to make it elitist.More machinic.More distant from the general conscience.If there were some not so good things then there were some good tooTall girls attract you immediately.But the percentage was below 2%.See quantification has become an inherent trait.We use to pass smile.Sometimes , there was a strong urge to reach out to her.Her pencil bottom jeans, reaching just upto her bellies.Oh! no, it was a converse shoe. Her round face, with a mole right below at the left of her lower lip.Not adjacent but a few centimeters away from it.She was calm, pleasant and her nose was sharp pointed.Chin was round. Overall face was round and complexion a bit dusky.Dusky looks sexxy No.Six days we met and had eye contact. No words exchanged.May be she was expecting me to take the first step.May be i was to thinking the same.May be there was something tied inside me, which revoked myself.  And finally we crossed each other and walk along different lines, May be to never meet each other, Perhaps Yes.

SO the fight is on.The effort is for a change.And to bring forth change one requires authority.”Authority commensurate to responsibility” as Fayol argued.After all these moments of last night fights one feels, what the fuck have you been doing  through out all those years.But to remember, Human beings suffer from what Simon called Bounded Rationality.The utility maximizer after all these efforts feels, So much for so little ,”And Yet, Its Half DOne”.

Shiven

 

A gust of wind touched my face.It was cold but sweet.I was packed from toes to neck. Only my face was open.I realized a sense of amazing eagerness to turn my face towards the wind and let it strike me once more.I followed my zeal. The wind was blowing with good speed.The trees were in joy, after all the wind blew after a heavy rain that made trees dance like a doped head.None of the trees on the side way are greater than than 12ft tall.They are broad leaf trees.I dont recognize them , but they all know me. We have a silent relationship.We both mutually understand each others silent.They knw when to dance and make me feel good.They are best keepers of my secrets.One day i tried to name them all one by one but then i recognized one simple truth.Possession is trivial , friendship without a name is valuable.But they say, emotions have a place of their own.The path way encircles a lake.A dry lake. Some say , the lake was once full of biodiversity.They thought its a breeding ground for mosquitoes and dried it up to make a play ground.The lake is quite a large one.Thr are stairs leading to the bottom of it.I use to sit on one of those stairs.I like facing the vast out stretch of lake ahead of me.I dont knw but  , i kinda have an innate affinity towards expansion and vastness.I like uncertain vagueness.Eccentric thoughts often turns into ideas at the ebb of this vast outstretched lake.Spending time with your own self facing the vastness of universe ahead of you and experiencing the triviality of your being is quite an enlightening idea.Some times i sit thr for hours without a single thought and some times my time disappears in catching and reshaping nebulous thoughts.

While walking on the pathway, I all of sudden realized that what a coincidence it is , that today I am walking midst chilling wind and yet I am not feeling cold. I meant , though its cold yet since my mood is in a mode of experiencing and observing things therefore I m by coincidence enjoying a great gust of wind striking my face as if its a luxury.Are there any coincidences?or is it merely an outcome of one of the many choices that i made through out the day.There might be thesis to it and then there might be an antithesis, but can thr be a coincidence?I believe its merely a choice.One of many probable outcomes. Life to me , is more of a choice outcome continuum.In physics we use to study continuum where every process is a reversible one i.e quasistatic, but in here , in life , thr are no reversible reactions and processes. There might be possibility that same choice wont give the same outcome keeping all the external factors constant.Can thr be?

The lack of coherence in ideas often makes me frustrated , but then i knw hw to let them loose and wait.Either they wud  disappear or conjure into an actionable hypothesis.Sometimes life seems like rhetoric path way trip.Sometimes life seems to me like a gust of wind which i wish to experience with much love and excitement.Mood swings yeah i knw.

” Autumn is the second spring when every leaf becomes flower (Albert Camus)”

And when you laid your head on my shoulder, all of me melted, melted like white winter snow, all of me submerged into all of you. It felt cold , cold like fear of loosing one’s identity , cold like loosing one;s own state , one;s own individuality one;s own ego. I was in fear, fear of loosing you and all of

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sudden you swirled your arms around me like an epiphyte.All my fears , All that made me felt cold , All my despairs, disappeared And dissolved into the worm hole of last moment.We are time travelers , traveling in time and space and love is the reason. But some times I wish to forget reason’s , meanings as if without being involved in any sort of contemplation is the real aspiration & goal of me.The Sumo was moving fast on steep

slopes of mountains. Behind us was a 5000 ft deep valley and ahead of us a curvy road full of blind curves.Fear was imminent for a mortal soul, but dipped in love she soaked all my fears , like every thing which generates fear melted away with that snow.She was as fiery as a mountain . And she went into a deep slumber , for the comfort of my arms and support of my shoulder was all that she sought for. The way girls seek love is amazing, they wont tell you , but they love to lie naked in your arms for eternity.They wish you to seek them while they are seeking you too. They wish you to hold them while they are holding you too. They wish you to blow thr mind when they are blowing all ur miseries too. They wish to swirl around you while they wish you too be the centripetal force balancing distance and merger simultaneously. .They wish you to tease them while retaliating in annoyance. Girls are full of action and reaction.They are full of chemical kinetics. Thr’s a spring and autumn simultaneously struggling to find life inside them.All they need you to tell them that ” Autumn is the second spring when every leaf becomes flower (Albert Camus)” …..
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