I know This Feeling!

she was standing, on the opposite platform. There was a distance of few meters between us. I could see her. The metro entered from the other side. It took over the distance between us.I could see her waving a bye, before metro engulfed her. And I was fucked. My heart crumbled. She was inside the metro. I cud see her no more. And in a moment she disappeared like the morning fog! I knew this feeling of desolation.It was not strange to me!

It was not for the first time I felt it. A sense of parting is quite present in my subconscious mind. I know, how much it pains when a thread breaks! SHe is here to stay. And yet i felt it! Perhaps this is what we call love! I am not amazed but numb. Love makes me numb. My heart pounced and I was full of deep anxiety. I wanted to deboard metro at some next metro station. I was almost in tears! And I was thinking, but she is here to stay!

In the hindsight, I cud feel the separation. I am aware of longings and love. Memories haunted me for years. She made me forget every mental torture. May be it’s her sight I don”t wanna lose. As she sits next to me, all my senses roam like a drunkard! All that I cud sense is she. All that I feel is she. All that I wish I cud ever have is she. I am not possessive. I am passionate for her, like a spectator is for the game. The only difference is that, I am there for her in her lows as well. Perhaps I have engendered her into my mind like a nerve cell. And I cud not sense beyond her! Perhaps, I could not dream her disappearance ! I know this feeling!

Emotions are so integral to human. Perhaps makes us human.Amazing that sometimes , how short do we fell of words and couldn’t express in exact terms , what we feel! Love and belongingness was cited as a need by Maslow. That there are some emotions and they almost make us feel so connected ,  truly amazing! Notwithstanding the past or future, love assures us of its magnificence . Love is a medium within medium. All I knw, if thr is some thing which lies within my chest, where all my anxiety rest, is the true source of love, for it is in her presence that I could find some solace at that place. And when I saw her disappearing behind metal wheels, I felt anxiety at the same place where I could felt solace in her presence. I know this feeling and it was never strange to me , yet She took with her, all my solace!

 

“Äre You Here To Stay”

I saw you.I never saw anything similar to you.I saw you from almost one hundred yards and yet I cudn’t believe it’s you.I shivered in excitement.I was moved by my longings.I foresaw two parallel universes submerging into one.I took long strides.It was chaotic their.I cudn’t hear anything except you.You were on your phone.I saw your face first.Nah, it was hairs.Like bristles of brush, they were soaked in golden paint as if falling sunbeams were reflecting a golden state of mind.Your lips were moving like leafs of a sesame tree,striking different chords at the same time.I wanted to see you before this dream could break.I longed for this evening for like years and when it was right there standing infront of me, I just dont wanted to move, to take a step further, for I was afraid of loosing this glimpse of hope again.Sometimes the best thing is life is to observe, without being a part of it.No?I saw your feet next, but before that my eyes slipped through your top onto the off greyish denim of yours.I loved the color.Its kinda soothing to my eyes,but the top was a bit crafty and classic with imprints of “pacchekari”.I loved the lines and the games they were playing on your top.All of you were not visible at one glance.I saw you in bits and pieces and the whole as I joined them all came out to be greater then the parts.I was still on the right side of the road and you were on the left.I am always confused with your right and my left.So to say that you were standing on the oppoiste side of the road, it wont be less if I argue I travelled many lightyears just to reach upto you as if you were the supernova my eyes were desperately waiting for.In moments i was standing on the devider. I travelled with a speed of light.And i was in no hurry to reach upto you.The mind argued, but the heart-already was standing next to you.There were buses, there were cars, there were motorcycles and there were other vehicles as well.You were like a shadow appearing every now and then, like it was a cloudy day.But the winds were calm and i had no idea what my feet longed.I saw you once and then twice, peeking through the small distances inbetween moving lights.I wanted to hold your hand before I stumble.And I could wait no more.I took courage and give my hand to the desperately forward moving superman, sitting in a car…Next moment I was standing right infront of you.I looked at your face and your hand.And i saw your lips and ears.I saw you teeth.It was a flash.I sneaked at the edges of your lips, they contracted a bit to let open a shimmering light into my dark world.The ebbs were gone from the sight, i was captivated by the might, of the love, belonging and happiness that just hit me like photons hit the electrode surface.May be I saw your eyes first or perhaps it was whole of you-conjured infront of me like a shooting star.You conjured a magical universe infront of me.I talked to you.We started to move.In the same direction we headed to spend an eve.I watched your denim only to find it flawlessly falling on your golden sandals with black strips attached to it.I could hear the sound of my moving heart.As we moved and crossed impediments over impediments I felt numb and ecstatic, ironic but true.The golden shades of brush flowing in the wind and under the shade of which I could experience the warmth of love and coolness of morning breeze.Before you , my emptyness had no meaning, you filled it with your presence and made it meaningful.Like a winter night your sight fell upon me in a moment and i could do nothing but to get dipped in it, like I am the tall oak covered from tip to toe in snow and feeling the might of night falling upon me, not bit by bit, but as if a whole blanket was thrown upon me.I was in fear before I met you, but I couldn’t distinguish it the moment I saw you.I saw your sharp nose, the edges of whom were peiercing a hole into my heart and the sharp chin, curvey at the two edges.And i saw a red mark right in the middle of it where it dips in a bit to raise your lips towards me.And I saw it all while moving and while you and I were stand still.So long in fear, I couldn’t understand whats going on.As if like a caged bird i forgot how to fly and laugh when i could see liberty bowing at my feet.I longed for you and here I am trying to figure out , are you for real or again i conjured you out of my deepest desires.Are you here to stay ?? I asked again and again …

प्यार का तरीका

बाबू तू सोयेगी नहीं I मेरे कानो में यह आवाज़ जाते ही मेरा मन लपका उस ऒर देखने को I मिनी बस की सबसे पीछे की सीट पर , कोने में खिड़की से चिपकी एक महिला I कपड़े कुछ मैले से , आँखों के नीचे गाढ़े काले रंग के धब्बे I हड्डियों के बीच चेहरा लापता सा अपने आप को ढूंढ रहा था I रंग के नाम पर सिर्फ भूरे रंग के निशान I सर्दी के कपड़ो में लिपटी वो , शाल से ढकी अनैमिक लग रही थी I उसका सर बार बार झुका जा रहा था I नींद के झोंके उसकी गर्दन को मनो मरोड़े जा रहे थे I उसका पति एवं दो बच्चे उसकी ऒर आस की नजर से देख रहे थे I पति उसके गालो पर थप्पड़ों की बरसात किये हुए था I इरादा उसे सोने नहीं देने का था I किसी फेमिनिस्ट ने नहीं देखा , भला हुआ , नहीं तो मामला कचेहरी तक पहोच जाता I कभी कभी प्यार कैसे किया जाये यह भी एक मसला हो जाता है I उसका पति उसको घुसा दिखा रहा था I अपनी पुरानी ज्यादतियों की याद दिलाते हुए उसको धमका रहा था I किसी भी हाल में उसे सोने न देना ही उसके पति का एक मात्र लक्षय था I इन सब में प्यार भरपूर था I कुछ लोग मैले कुचले कपड़े देख किनारा काट रहे थे I उसके बच्चे निश्चिंत हो आगे की सीट पर बैठ बiहर का नजारा देख रहे थे I मनो हॉस्पिटल जाना उनके लिए पिकनिक सामान था I महिलाएं पति को घृणा की दृष्टि से देख रही थी I प्यार करने के तरीके में एक पुरुषत्व था I पितृसत्ता की झलक से ओत प्रोत था वह दृश्य I कभी कभी सोचता हु , जरुरी क्या है , प्यार या उसका तरीका ?

And It’s Half DOne Yet

I looked out of the window.It was cold out there, colder then in here , inside the room.Strong ground guzzling sound of trucks was penetrating the feary silence of night.Every nook and corner was infiltrated by the haze.A shallow mist hanging right few feet over the ground.Like all of a sudden, distance between stars and the earth collapsed into few meters.The only visible object was a neem tree.Silent! standing like a branched pillar.Leaves were calm but sad, not sleepy at ol.I looked around.I thought , He will come.My friend Rupesh.He left half drunk.I observed continence. I usually do not.But at home, U cant argue against ur principles.Yes, sometimes i do get carried away.After all we are human’s. Made to err, No? By the way, I registered my self again on Facebook.Though I feel Social media as an important way to express ourselves, yet something in me argues for solitude.I prefer books over People.Often, Dog’s fight at nights act as a reminder, Not All are Asleep…No? During the last six days, the number of dogfights overtook actual number of dogs.Sometimes I hate it.Yes I know, Its an expression of life, But it’s fucking chaotic.It breaks the rhythm of night. Nothing , I feel in this world is more beautiful then the rhythm that night attains.Its smooth and as a friend Calls every time, “Nice”. This calmness looks nice.To seek it in chaos, makes it more valuable.The day to day chaos.Past six days flew like a bird.There was fear before that.A fear not of failure but of an nonviable attempt to success.The barrier was high.And our weak mind often construes meager things as an exaggerated  expression of reality.Fear was natural, for an insight into losing some very attainable point of peak experience fills us with a deep psychological pressure.I turned so many pages, that i forget counting them.Black ink soaked pages.Repeated underlines had a different story.That someone went through them many a times, yet failed to recollect them.No, Not the meaning, but the exact expression.Word by word.For some it’s important that u become machine in process.They force you to go through same things so many times, that you will become a simple cog in the machine.A fitting nut–maybe.Some nights went sleepless, Almost. And some went in fighting with the sleepy hollow.Green carpet on my floor almost got occupied with a heap of useless waste.The A4 size waste.The whole spine went through the tyranny  of constructing a machine out of this meaty loaf called body.I think I m exaggerating it.Often I took it in lighter way.It needs to be, for human has much to achieve and aspire  than to become mere a bull.Doing repetitive tasks ever and ever again.The whole nature of modern system has changed into an exploitative one.Six hours of continuous writing on a wall, and yet the demand remains unsatisfied.As and when I looked down the two floors, to the ground from the balcony adjacent to the rum where i was allotted a no, I saw machines.Knowledge workers , may be.After ol attempt is to make exploitation symbolically attractive, No?I differ with Marx. Strongly differ with him.His ways were radical.Aspirational.His attempt was bold.But his understanding was one of the best thing.The most lucrative thing, for any oppressed.Though i differ with him yet somewhere when it comes to recruitments into civil services, I cannot but confer with him.The whole attempt is to make it elitist.More machinic.More distant from the general conscience.If there were some not so good things then there were some good tooTall girls attract you immediately.But the percentage was below 2%.See quantification has become an inherent trait.We use to pass smile.Sometimes , there was a strong urge to reach out to her.Her pencil bottom jeans, reaching just upto her bellies.Oh! no, it was a converse shoe. Her round face, with a mole right below at the left of her lower lip.Not adjacent but a few centimeters away from it.She was calm, pleasant and her nose was sharp pointed.Chin was round. Overall face was round and complexion a bit dusky.Dusky looks sexxy No.Six days we met and had eye contact. No words exchanged.May be she was expecting me to take the first step.May be i was to thinking the same.May be there was something tied inside me, which revoked myself.  And finally we crossed each other and walk along different lines, May be to never meet each other, Perhaps Yes.

SO the fight is on.The effort is for a change.And to bring forth change one requires authority.”Authority commensurate to responsibility” as Fayol argued.After all these moments of last night fights one feels, what the fuck have you been doing  through out all those years.But to remember, Human beings suffer from what Simon called Bounded Rationality.The utility maximizer after all these efforts feels, So much for so little ,”And Yet, Its Half DOne”.

Shiven

 

A River of Memories

Last time we talked, it was march at its top. Previous night, a whole bucket of water ran down and broke the troughs of normalcy at my wall. With my legs folded, entrapped , encircled under my hands and my eyes fixed on the screen of my laptop, my heart yearned for a walk into the past.Broken chains, dismantled traumatic events, signs of no relief , I looked back in a deep sigh of despairing longingness.Some songs doing rounds and silence so provocative….Some nostalgic moments hanging on walls of my heart.Hanging and hinged.The nails run deeper into the valves.And with profound despair i longed for you.longed for the hugs and the kisses. Longed the cuddles and early morning misses.Longed for the voice of u on the phone, for some of ur caller tones.Longed for the kajrari eyes and the glares.Longed for the winds rolling down ur hairs.Longed for the Scent of ur body , sticky sweat.Sounds while you pee..Your thought lingers longer than it seems.Like a snake our memories roll over me and in midst of ur hisses I often plunged into a river–of memories. A river of dark ruminations–of chain of events–long forgotten.So to say that i miss u took me longer than i presumed , notwithstanding this, I feel u are  distant then i cud ever assume.Ur voice sound familiar but the behaviour so strange.Some say judging is crime, but that’s what all judges do.

I felt, you were standing on the opposite side of the river. Your voice filled me with a hope– ruined off soon.As i digged deeper into my being.I  Felt–Wounds are here to stay–it doesn’t matters whether we forgive or forget.I wanted to cross that river and run into you and tell you all the truths I have been through.But the stranger in you sound bold….My burnt soul whispered, Hold on–for you can’t see–now this person exists on the parallel side of the river…You questioned–i was in fear.It was u–My  worst nightmare.On the opposite side of the river, standing in ur tall boots, u hardly know..What i  have been through.We shared this river of memories.We shared those cuddles.We shared those hugs.We shared those kisses.We shared some bites.We shared casual fights.We shared some laughter while ur eyeballs shined.We shared some common space and lived in each others place.We shared some moments of mutual love.We swam in river holding each other’s hand.We were there when the sun sat on the other side.You found refugee in my lap, when nights were cold and the moon was dark.We shoot the stars during starry nights and made tunnels through constellations .

People change , I often see.They become stranger, that perplexes me.You said u lived under my skin..And ruined me of the the very soul so akin..I hope some day, while passing through riverside…u might see the mighty tides of belongingness..It all turns cold and dark..like the Red sea.And may u  feel..How notwithstanding time, love bleeds…….

#Shiven

Empathy And Relativity

Globalization has changed all the dynamics of the world. The politics of a nation cannot be seen from a parochial lense, for every other thing which happens globally affects it , in this or the other way.We don’t live in silos’s no matter how big a loner we are. On a broader ground we all are affected by what happens globally.Transport and then technology has revolutionized the world of information. We live in shared world of incidents, events jubilations and sorrows.Forgive me for not mentioning accidents.Transport first made the connectivity easy and accessable and then ever evolving Information and technology revolution actually plugged us into one loop.We share hope and sorrows with each other.The era is of ever evolving enlightenment where technology is enlightening us to the new vistas of happenings.How do we relate ourselves to the world is a subjective-if not positive sciences- decision.Social media has emerged as a powerful tool.A tool which has provided us with a platform onto which we can not only express and assume significance but listen and understand the world equally as well.It has its perils no doubt and we have all seen how it is being used as a tool by the propagandist organisations to fulfill their vested interest and in this way , it has become very hard for us to maintain neutrality in observing and understanding events in their full context. This forces us to look for relativity.

Without going into the multimillion dynamics of relativity as phenomenon , I would like to concentrate on the very effect of it on empathy.I think that the most easiest way to understand any concept is either by example or case study. This brings to us a more event by event but an evolved continuum.of thought.I would like to focus on the recent international acts of terror and our relative empathy shown–in terms of ethics why is it questionable?

A day before Paris attacks, suicide bombers killed more then 50 in beirut, lebanon. A few days back Russian plane which first thought to be crashed in Sinai , Egypt but later asserted to be bombed by the various intelligence agencies, killed all people on board.All 224 people.And then happened Paris more then 129 dead and many injured , fighting for life.Paris attacks happened much like our Bombay attacks. Yes in the same fashion , like Bombay has become a fashion in the world of terrorism.In all these attacks all equally valuable lives were massacred brutally.The common thread between all these attacks was Islamic state in Iraq and Levant (ISIL or ISIS) or “Daesh”–once a small offshoot of Al-quaeda — Jabhat an-Nuṣrah li-Ahli ash-Shām. The group has a $2bn  empire spread over Syria, Libya and Iraq. Taking the responsibility of the attacks the group swared for more of this type attacks at various parts of the world–Also confirmed by CIA Chief.Whole world mourned the Paris attack.It should.We ought to support humanity wherever possible.Its our Dharma indeed.Not religion of-corse.We supported people of paris in their fight against terror. The whole world united in this fight against terror against innocent lives.From Obama, China to G-20 , every leader and every country supported France.The empathy shown by the people of the world is remarkable.Technology unites us all in  tough times.But do u think we are equally emphatic in our fight against terror? DO you think we are equally assertive in expressing our support against terrorism? DO u thing we are equally empathic to other victims of terror at the various other parts of the world including the one’s i mentioned above? DO u think we are moved more by the global consensus and less by our own conscience? DO u think it is also a lack of information and vigor with which a cause is taken which affects our decision making capability , whether what to support and what to not? Is our empathy relative? Or we are selective in our outrage–a motive enforced upon dissenters now day’s in India.

A friend kold me up.We discussed current scenario on phone.He told me he got bullied by some right wingers for asking a simple question to Mr Mark Zuckerberg.The question was of ethics.WHere is my flag of beirut and Russia Mr Zuckerberg.A valid point from the lense of ethics. Yes I can judge.”Ethics deals with standard by which we judge human actions”.From the ethical point of view life of each and every  individual is important whether he be French or Russian or lebanon.Since Daesh was involved in all of these terror incidents , then it becomes another argument. Also to add , all attacks of terror must be denounced strongly in the same fashion.We ought to equate all incidents of terror and must strongly raise our voice against it.Zukerberg did it in one case and avoided in the other and since being a public personality, it’s his duty to show his dissent equally for other as well.We also cannot argue that he lacked information.Such an idea to relate ourselves to one society or people of one country and neglecting others , who too are equally being targeted shows a lack of ethics in orientation of our empathy.It reminds me of Orwell’s classic, Änimal Farm”in which he argues “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.” Those who killed in beirut and Sina were humans too.Victor hugo once argued –““Being good is easy, what is difficult is being just.”

It can be argued that i m in a hurry to judge as  seneca said…“Auditur et altera pars. (The other side shall be heard as well.)”.It’s a fair point.But there must come arguments from the other side , not personal attcks. We forget often that our opinion must be supported by arguments–facts ofcorse.We must have a context to talk about and reasons to form an opinion.To put a motive onto someone before understanding the gravity and depth of the argument is actually like killing the debate.It’s more of a generation of inherent fear , fear of being criticised, fear of being revealed, fear of being rightly understood, fear of some incapacity to comprehend the thought.It is complete lack of empathy–often inculcated by poor reasoning and relating our self to one ideology.Or in terms of Amartya sen, it’s like embracing identity as violence.My friend complained me.It was genuine complaint, because alleging someone to be a sympathizer for merely questioning ur reasons , only bigot’s do that or its a quality inherited by despots.George orwell once said , “If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”It is his right as a democratic citizen to question, to put into public discourse what people ignore to hear or do not want to hear. There shud be some empathy on the part of reader to give space for the arguments to reveal the context and horizon of the thought or else he is jeopardizing Free thought.We must inculcate a just practice of empathy. We must show respect and sincerity in our arguments.Ethics tells us that every argument must be listened to before being judged.Every argument must be judged on the basis of systematic standards of reason.Only an independent listener can have a proper understanding of what a writer wants to convey.Being prejudiced by the relative identity will only jeopardize our discretion.Empathy must be just not relative.Orwell once argued, ““The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better.” It all depends upon our preferences and values.

Nehru on Gandhi’s assassination

Must read

Out of Context

This is not the famous “The light has gone out of our life” speech [transcript], but a speech he gave to Parliament on Feb 2, 1948. Other versions on the web are truncated in interesting ways.

Cartier-Bresson’s iconic photo of Nehru announcing Gandhi’s assassination at Birla House:

35-copyright-henri-cartier-bresson

Source: Magnum Photos. More on the photo from Iconic Photos.

I have a sense of utter shame both as an individual and as head of the government of India that we should have failed to protect the greatest treasure we possessed. It is our failure in the past many months, to give protection to many an innocent man, woman and child. It may be that that burden and task was too great for us or for any government; nevertheless, it is a failure, and today the fact that this mighty person, whom we honoured and loved beyond…

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